By Tami Evans, CSP
Hi. I’m Tami.
And I’m a recovering People Pleaser.
I wish I could say I’m fully healed, discharged, and living symptom-free. But recovery, like speaking and business, is not a straight line. It’s more of a spiral. Some days I’m enlightened, boundried, and grounded. Other days, I’m one impulsive “Sure, I’d be happy to!” away from a calendar crisis and a low-grade panic attack because I forgot to schedule time to pee.
If you’re nodding right now, welcome. You’re my people.
Most of the time, at this stage of my life and career, I’m pretty solid. I make decisions based on what’s right for me, my family, and my business. Not on fear, guilt, or the need to be liked. I know the difference between opportunity and obligation. I understand that busy is not the same thing as building.
But every once in a while – usually when my guard is down and it’s not even noon – I hear myself say “yes” before my brain has checked in with my body.
And that’s how it starts.
One innocent yes turns into another. Then another. Then suddenly I’m buried under commitments, favors, panels, podcasts, “quick calls,” discounted fees, and unpaid emotional labor… wondering how I got here and why everything I used to love now feels heavy.
Sound familiar?
The People Pleaser Trap (Especially for Speakers)
Let’s be honest: speaking attracts People Pleasers.
We like helping.We like contributing.
We like being useful, valuable, and invited back.
And right now – let’s name it – the world feels tender. Clients are navigating uncertainty. Budgets are scrutinized. Audiences are exhausted. Many of us are recalibrating our businesses while trying to stay optimistic, relevant, and booked.
That’s prime time for the People Pleaser to come out of the cupboard wearing a black turtleneck, sporting a Countryman, carrying a clipboard, and whispering, “Say yes. Be easy. Don’t rock the boat.”
But here’s the truth I’ve learned the hard way:
Every unaligned yes costs you something.
Time. Energy. Creativity. Presence. Confidence.
And those are the very things your audience needs most from you.
The Most Professional Sentence You Can Say
Here’s my not-so-secret weapon for keeping the People Pleaser at bay: “Let me get right back to you on that.”
That’s it.
No drama. No explanation. No over-functioning.
That one sentence buys you space. Space to check in with yourself. Space to ask the questions that actually matter:
Do I have the capacity for this?
Does this align with where my business is going now?
Will this leave me energized – or resentful?
If the answer is yes, fantastic. Say yes with your whole chest.
If the answer is no, try this: “I’ve checked into it, and I’m afraid I have to decline.”
Full stop.
No backstory required. No apology tour. Declining with clarity is not unkind – it’s professional.
Before the Stage: Releasing the Need to Be Liked
Another place my People Pleaser loves to sneak out is right before I go on stage.
Even after decades of performing and speaking, that little voice sometimes pipes up:
Will they like me? Will this land? What if this audience doesn’t get me?
When that happens, I use a simple reset that has never failed me.
I make one quiet ask – to the universe and to myself: “Please, may I help one person.”
That’s it.
The moment it’s no longer about being liked, approved of, or universally adored; my nervous system calms down. My shoulders drop. My voice settles. Because now I’m focused on service – not performance.
That’s when my work feels like play.
Feedback, Growth, and the Myth of Universal Approval
Like many speakers, I actively seek feedback. I genuinely believe constructive input is a gift. It’s how we sharpen our craft, strengthen our delivery, and stay relevant. I’m a lifelong learner, and I love direction.
Most of the feedback I receive is kind, thoughtful, and affirming. I’ve adjusted pacing, clarity, movement, and storytelling based on generous insights from those who took the time to help me grow.
And then there was Anonymous #127.
You know this person. We all do.
Anonymous #127 found my program neither informative nor humorous and simply wrote “a waste of time.” Short. Sharp. No suggestions. No context. Just a drive-by critique and a quick escape.
Here’s the kicker:
I remember their words vividly.
I do not remember the pages of positive feedback from that same event.
That’s not because Anonymous #127 was right.
It’s because the People Pleaser would love for me to believe they were.
Sitting the People Pleaser Down
This is the moment you have a choice.
This is where I sit my People Pleaser down, look her straight in the eye, and say:
Don’t. You. Dare.
Even if I could track down Anonymous #127, show up with homemade pesto, and apologize for wasting their precious minutes on Earth, it wouldn’t help. They likely don’t remember me – or their comment. And even if they did, no amount of explaining would change their opinion.
And here’s the part we often forget as speakers:
Not all feedback is for you.
Some of it is about timing. Mood. Expectations. Personal baggage. Or simply taste.
Our job is not to be for everyone.
Our job is to be for someone – clearly, courageously, and consistently.
The Business Case for Letting Go
In this season of the speaking industry – and the world – motivation doesn’t come from chasing approval. It comes from alignment.
When you stop people pleasing, you:
- Price with confidence
- Speak with clarity
- Market with authenticity
- Serve audiences more powerfully
You also protect your most valuable asset: your energy.
And energy is contagious.
Audiences don’t want perfection.
They want presence.
They want truth.
They want someone brave enough to stand in their own voice and invite others to do the same.
A Final Word (From One Recovering People Pleaser to Another)
As you continue to build your business, refine your message, and navigate this complex moment in our industry, remember this:
Some people will not be thrilled by your choices.
Some doors will close when you say no.
Some feedback will sting.
Do not let that decide your future.
Take a breath.
Take it one aligned decision at a time.
Secure the lock on your People Pleaser cupboard.
And look for ways to lighten your life.
The lighter you feel, the bolder you speak.
And the bolder you speak, the more the right people find you.
And that – that’s good for you, your business, and the audiences who need you most.
Love, Tami
EXCELLENT article Tammy! And yes, sometimes that feedback has to do with their jet lag, they missed breakfast and are hungry, or it’s so cold in the room the only way they have to complain is to take it out on your feedback form. Or, they just don’t like you (I mean c’mon…we’ve all seen speakers that we don’t love).
And all the times I said yes when I had ‘that feeling’ that I should say no, or all the times I’ve discounted when I shouldn’t, those people almost ALWAYS were more work in the end.